


of love, regrets and chances

by tabismew



Series: yours alternatively, mewgulf [2]
Category: TharnType the Series (TV), เกลียดนักมาเป็นที่รักกันซะดีๆ | TharnType: The Series (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Heavy Angst, I don't know what I'm exactly doing, M/M, Modern Era, Romance, Smut, famous Mew, mewgulf is real, writer Gulf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:55:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23696569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabismew/pseuds/tabismew
Summary: The story of Mew and Gulf, how they fall in love, break apart and pick up the pieces again.
Relationships: Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat/Gulf Kanawut Traipipattanapong
Series: yours alternatively, mewgulf [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1935889
Comments: 47
Kudos: 193





	1. Of Love

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I really tried to be realistic as possible on this fic. This is just me being sentimental and wanted to write something for MewGulf. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading. Please bare some grammatical mistakes, English is not my first language. ✨😊

_(1)_

“Gulf Kanawut, right?” The sound of Mew's voice derailed Gulf from his train of thoughts, he no longer entertained the thoughts of Shakespeare sonnets in his head because his voice was too distracting, demanding and deep. “From the faculty of AB English?”

For once, Gulf tried to just pretend that he didn’t hear anything at all, he just swallowed a throat, nerves were already eating his whole being and he knew his face turned a peach color, not just today though, but whenever he would spot Mew around the campus. 

He took a risk, giving his gaze to the man who was already standing in front of him, left hand inside his pocket. Sometimes, Gulf think he was exaggerating things but he would still scream internally whenever he would see Mew, he was just too handsome, attractive, and fascinating to look at, he had the right features everywhere. It seemed like God really took his time to create such masterpiece.

He already had a questioning look on his face, he was puzzled, What was _he_ doing here? 

When Gulf tilted his head, He was met by a smiling _Mew_ , and he feels his heart started beating up its pace, and the tightness in Gulf's throat was still there, he couldn’t actually quite formulate a word to say.

Mew was just too endearing. His eyes were intense yet so bright of all colors.

Mew opened his mouth to speak, as if he knew that Gulf wasn’t planning to say something anytime soon, “I think you left your book at the library.” He said, he was smiling. Mew slid a book to Gulf. It was Hour Game by David Baldacci.

Mew stared at him for more five seconds and settled his eyes in the book, pretending that it was far more entertaining than the man in front of him but it was just really his strong presence that made Gulf nervous.

“I love Baldacci's King and Maxwell series.” Mew started again, But Gulf pretended he didn’t hear anything. What should he say? He didn't really know. 

Mew was suddenly talking to him as if they have known each other for a long time but the truth was that, this was the first time Mew talked to him. 

“Hey, Are you okay?” Mew's voice rang his ears again and Gulf slowly looked up.

And Gulf just nodded. 

Mew gave him an enigmatic smile, “I think you're really pretty when you blush.” Mew muttered, he stared at Gulf for five seconds and then left.

Gulf was so flustered, his face turned red even more as he watched Mew's back left the coffee shop.

He placed his hand right into his chest, his heart was beating so fast like it would pump out of his chest anytime soon.

 _God_ , Gulf, It was just your crush, Calm down.

* * *

_(2)_

“Do I know you from somewhere?” Mew mumbled, there was already a hint lingering his voice, like he was teasing Gulf. He parroted the Hollywood line with all the sarcasm he could muster, again.

Gulf tried not to laugh at his lame joke but his bottom lip trembled and before he could even hold it, he let out a soft chuckle.

Mew's joke were repetitive and corny but Gulf didn’t know why he would always find it funny.

Or maybe because it’s Mew.

The either side of Mew's mouth stretched into a smile then he looked at Gulf fondly, “See, I could make you smile and laugh with my jokes.” 

Gulf dramatically rolled an eye. It's not just about the jokes though, It’s also about how Mew made him feel, he would always feel something inside his heart, like the man had already made his own space there that no one else could ever replace.

It’s just been two weeks since they started talking. Gulf couldn’t believe that they would click. He felt like he was still dreaming because they were completely _opposites,_ he could make a long list of things they differ.

Mew was breathtakingly beautiful, Gulf believed that his face was nothing compared to him. He think that his face was just plain and ordinary, nothing really special about it. 

Mew thinks rationally and deeply – Gulf sometimes could be irrational, impulsive and petty.

The only common thing they probably have was that they have the same favorite movie which was t _he notebook._

“Yeah, You make me laugh.” _And smile, happy, makes my heart beats faster than normal,_ Gulf's thoughts but he didn’t say it loud. Too soon and maybe too cliché.

He'd seen how Mew's eyes lighting up, smiling brightly at him, from ear to ear.

“You make me happy, Gulf.” Mew claimed, his rich and rough voice was the only thing Gulf could hear or maybe the rapid sounds of his heart, too.

Gulf didn’t say anything after that, He’s still not used to Mew's compliments, but perhaps it was really cliché but Mew really made him happy too.

* * *

_(3)_

Mew looked at him for a few seconds then switched his gaze onto the sky, watching stars. He had that smile again, the genuine smile whenever he’s with Gulf, then he began talking about a movie he had seen when he was still young. It was about a girl who didn’t know what kind of eggs she liked.

"Are you talking about Runaway bride?" 

"That's it, Yes. I forgot what it was called." 

"And you remembered it because?” 

Mew shrugged his shoulders and grinned, “It was a good movie.” 

Gulf watched Mew thoughtfully. He knew Mew didn’t just remember the movie out of nowhere or even without a reason. There was a point to this, Or at least Gulf felt there was.

Mew may tell him sometimes that he didn’t care about the world but he could be profound sometimes, his mind and artistry were always there when they were talking. He was an insightful, always referring to books he had read and movies he had seen to make a point.

And Gulf noticed it.

He noticed every little thing about the man.

"Are you just asking me about what kind of eggs I like?" Gulf blurted out. 

Mew cackled, eyes sprinkling with joy and Gulf eyed him curiously.

"Yeah, What kind of eggs do you like?" 

“Sunny side up.” Gulf answered, smiling.

“Hmm, I like sunny side up too.” Mew claimed, “What kind of movies do you like?” 

“Romantic Comedy,” Gulf answered. “Well, Pure romance too.” 

“Really? What is your favorite romantic comedy movie, then?” 

“Fifty First Dates. It was my favorite and still is. I don’t think no one could ever top that. It won my heart.” Gulf muttered, finally tuning his head to look at the dark sky too. “I also love The Notebook, Notting Hill and Love actually.”

Rooftop was just a good place to stare at the beautiful starts dancing around and Mew being here to share the moment with him. _Perfect._

“Ah, I think a romantic comedy movie is a way to your heart then. I really want to win your heart.” Mew suddenly said, there wasn’t a tone of mischief there, there’s no teasing, it was pure, genuine and sincere.

Gulf thought the world had stopeed right in front of him. He didn’t think he could even look at him, he could see Mew staring down at him so preciously with his peripheral vision and it was so endearing yet so nerve wrecking.

“What?” Gulf stated absentmindedly, collecting all his power of having the courage to look at Mew.

Mew was still smiling, “I’m going to win your heart.” 

Gulf smiled, It felt _foreign_ , it’d been awhile since he had smile like that. Sure, Mew always made him smile but this one was just different. That kind of smile where Gulf knew he was going to wear for the next few days. It was full of admiration and love.

Gulf didn’t say anything, instead, he just lay his head on Mew's shoulder, gazing up in the sky.

It was a moment of silence between them, when suddenly, Mew spoke again, “The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” 

Gulf tilted his head to look at Mew who was looking down at him already, He smiled before answering him, “Huh?” 

Mew just smiled and teared his gaze away from Gulf. 

Gulf didn’t nag him about what he meant, _Yeah,_ the moon was beautiful but his mind was clouded with the thoughts of what Mew had said. 

_I'm going to win your heart_. Only if Mew knew, Only if he knew that he already won Gulf's heart since day one.

* * *

_(4)_

_I just want to walk with you no matter how long the distance, no matter how silent the night, no matter cold your hands are, no matter how your heart lose its beats with mine.. I want to walk home with you. Can I walk you home?_

A smile crept into Gulf's face as he read every lines written on a sticky note glued on his locker.

Mew never failed to be so cheesy.

“So can I walk you home today?” 

Gulf almost jumped to his feet when Mew's voice came from behind him. It's been four months since they started talking to each other, and in those days, Every time they meet, It's like the first time.

He turned around, smile still plastered across his face.

Mew was standing in front of him, giving him his stupid handsome smile.

Mew shrugged his shoulders, “I love seeing you blush.” 

Gulf laughed as he threw his head back, “Stop it.” 

Mew just chuckled in response, grabbing Gulf's hand as he intertwined their fingers together and they started walking and made their way out of the campus, hand in hand.

“Gulf?” Mew said.

“Hmm?”

“I don't think I'll be able to stay away from you. Not now, never.” 

Gulf's heart stared beating faster against his chest, He tightened his grip on Mew's hand as he grinned. 

“Me too, Mew. Me too.” 

That night, Mew walked him home.

Mild and Boat finally met the person that made their friend happy _every single day._

* * *

_(5)_

In a span of one month, Ten times Mew took him on a date. They made love on their fourth date, It was pure bliss.

Three times Gulf took Mew in an art gallery because his boyfriend loved it there.

And there were two things Mew loved the most, He told Gulf that in their second art gallery date.

Gulf and Arts.

But Gulf was the most beautiful.

* * *

_(6)_

“I don’t want you to get cold.” Mew whispered, caressing Gulf's cheeks.

They were on the rooftop, huddled under blankets, Gulf smiled as Mew's soft voice caressed him and his warm breathe fanned his cheeks.

Mew puts his arm around Gulf and drew him closer to his side, though their legs were already entwined for warmth.

“Feel better?” Mew's voice was compelling, his smile tender.

“So much better.” Gulf answered.

They fell in silence for awhile, the only sound they could hear were the beatings of their heart until Mew broke it.

“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”

Gulf narrowed his eyes at him, “You always say that.” 

Mew chuckled, “You don’t get it, Do you?”

Gulf shook his head. What could it possibly mean? 

“It’s my own way of telling you that I love you.” Mew muttered, pecking Gulf's lip.

Gulf didn’t know how to react, It was the first time Mew said those three important words. Honestly, It felt so good. He could feel his heart beating faster. 

What he did is to engulfed Mew in a hug, It felt warm again in a cold night, Mew's arms felt _home_. He leaned in closer to his ear, “Really beautiful.” 

Mew smiled at his response. 

“That means I love you too.” Gulf whispered.

* * *

_(7)_

It took a year for Gulf to move in with Mew. 

“I can’t believe you’re finally moving in with Mew.” Mild muttered dramatically as he pulled himself down on the sofa.

Gulf just laughed, putting his stuff inside the box, “Me too.”

“I'm so jealous of you.” 

“I’d be jealous of myself too.” Gulf joked. 

Mild rolled an eye, “You have a boyfriend that came straight out of GQ magazine and he fucking loves you. He looks at you like you invented the fucking universe." 

Gulf laughed and he followed it with a proud smile, “You'll find someone, too.” 

Mild rolled an eye, “You’re finally joining Gun to the _I'm living with my boyfriend_ club.” He exclaimed, “Gun and Off seem so in love. I'm sick of them.” 

Gulf just laughed at his friend being so dramatic, He was about to speak when Mew and Boat came inside the room.

“Hey, You’re ready to go?” Mew asked, pressing his front against Gulf’s back, arms in the middle of Gulf.

“Yep,” Gulf says in his cute little voice, tilting his head too look at his boyfriend.

“Really? Right in front of the single community?” Mild said, “Have some little respect. And Mew, You better go and bring Gulf with you or else we’re not going to let him go.” 

Mew and Gulf just laughed.

* * *

_(8)_

They both have their orgasm, Mew's cock still pressed inside Gulf until he pulled out and lay himself down besides Gulf who was still catching his breathe.

“You feel so good, baby.” Mew muttered, caressing Gulf's red cheeks.

Gulf smiled, hands on Mew's toned and firmed chest.

“I love you.” Gulf said, glowing face looking up to his boyfriend.

Mew gave him another dashing smile. “I love you the most.”

That's how they spent their second anniversary. Curled up in the center of their shared bed, The smell of sex and wines filling the air inside. 

Two years full of love, two years full of genuine happiness and Gulf really loved it better when he's with Mew.

* * *

_(9)_

Gulf and Mew were both seated on their sofa, the same sofa they had bought last month when Gulf got his first pay check from the coffee shop he had been part timing and from Mew's first pay check from the first movie he had an extra with.

“You're going to be a successful engineer and famous actor. You're going to make films and sell out arenas, Mew. You're going to receive bunch of awards and people will appreciate your artistry.” 

Gulf spoke with so much conviction as he rest his head on Mew's shoulders. Both of their foot rested on the wooden table as they leaned their backs on the sofa.

Gulf knew Mew would be really successful, He would, one day, when the right time comes. 

His boyfriend had a great passion for acting and music, he's the most devoted man he had ever known and Gulf would always be there to support him.

He always got Mew's back. And he knew Mew got his too.

“And you’re going to write novels, like you've always dreamed of. And I'll always be by your side.” Mew assured him, Gulf was about to say something when Mew fished something out from his back, it was a rose.

“What is that for?” Gulf asked amused, He jerked his head at the Rose.

Mew just smiled fondly, He plucked the flower behind Gulf's ear, and it looked so lovely, Gulf looked so lovely and pretty, as always.

“I want to give you something more expensive like, a ring, but I still don't have enough money for that. I promise, I'll give you one someday, Gulf.”

Gulf stared at his boyfriend. The man in front of him was just too flawless. He felt a sudden prick of tears in his eyes. It wasn’t just about Mew's words but the sincerity in those. 

Mew was going to give Gulf a ring. He promised and Gulf would cling into that.

Gulf hoped that someday, when it’s the right time, He wanted to marry Mew, He wanted him to be his husband and no one else just him.

“You’re going to be my husband?” Gulf asked. He just wanted to hear it from Mew.

Mew pressed a soft and tender kiss on his forehead, “I will be your husband. When we finish college and we have enough to settle down. I will be your husband, I promise.” 

Gulf knew Mew never failed to keep his promise and he was sure that they would spend the rest of their lives together.

“And we’re going to buy our own house.” Gulf said.

“We’re going to achieve our dreams together.” Mew assured. “I love you, Gulf.” 

“I love you too.” Gulf said beaming, together they have built their dreams, in this sofa.

Gulf finally knew the true meaning of _happiness_. It's when he's with Mew. He believed that happiness didn't have its own standard, now matter how simple, no matter how small it was for somebody, if it made you happy then just let people wonder the true meaning of happiness by themselves.

* * *

_(10)_

“Gulf, I don’t really know why are you being so petty about this matter. It’s nothing and I don’t even like her that way.” Mew muttered from across their kitchen counter, taking a sip from the glass of water he was holding, He didn’t dare to break an eye contact with Gulf.

“Didn’t you see the way she looks at you, Mew? Like you invented the entire galaxy? And, I'm not being petty!” Gulf couldn’t help but raise his voice, He knew he was thinking rationally, “She looks at you like she's too damn in love with you. I was there, I saw it with my own eyes. She keeps flirting with you, She likes you.” 

The both of them just got from Mew's shooting, he knew how important this was for Mew because after a year of trying, He finally got a good break in a web drama. But the thing was, Gulf couldn’t help his outlet for jealousy. 

You couldn’t blame him. How can’t he be jealous when Mew's leading lady was so fucking clingy as if Mew was his boyfriend? The constant flirtatious moves she had been throwing at Mew was not so subtle at all. That woman really had the nerve to send messages to his boyfriend every freaking evening although Mew remained aloof to her advances as he passed off her flirtation as inconsequential.

She pissed Gulf so much. 

“You have to trust me, Gulf. She’s just a colleague, you know that. There’s nothing to be jealous of because I only have my eyes for you.” Mew muttered softly, walking towards the couch where Gulf was sitting. 

“I trust you, Mew. It’s her that I don’t trust.” 

Mew just didn't understand, everyone wanted him, and Gulf's insecurities were eating him and he’s _scared._

“She’s nothing to me. I love you, okay? You're the only one I love and you don’t have to worry about her or even about them.” 

Mew's voice was so calm, and soft. He’s trying to assure Gulf in every way possible.

Gulf believed him, but when he’s really jealous, He couldn’t help but to overthink.

“I'm sorry, I was just being insecure. I was scared that you might find somebody else better than me.” Gulf blurted out, He didn’t plan to say those words and they just came out of his mouth, he badly wanted to take them back.

Gulf knew he made a mistake.

He shouldn’t have said those stupid words, that was so foolish of him. He was so stupid, he felt so fucking stupid because Mew was staring at him incredulously. Gulf knew Mew was mad, It was the first time he saw his boyfriend's face hardened. 

“Do you think of me that low, Gulf?” 

Gulf swallowed a throat, “I didn’t mean it like that, Mew.” 

“You said it as if you think I'm going to fuck her?” Mew claimed, his voice became more rough, and Gulf missed the soft tone he would usually use when talking with Gulf.

Gulf shook his head repeatedly, convincing his boyfriend that it wasn’t like that. 

“I'm sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I would never think that way about you. I was over thinking and insecure. It’s all on me, I’m the problem.” Gulf admitted, eyes anywhere but Mew. 

He heard Mew took a long deep breathe, then Gulf heard his footsteps coming towards him as seconds later he felt Mew's strong arms wrapped around him. 

Gulf felt so warm again, the coldness disappeared. Mew felt home.

“You have to give me your full trust, baby. I hate it when we fight, I hate seeing a frown on your face. I love you so much, okay? I love you and I would never let you sleep at night mad at me.” 

“I'm sorry, too. I love you.” 

The night was filled with assuring words from Mew.

* * *

_(11)_

  
“Mew? Love?” Gulf whispered to a heavily sleepy Mew.

“Hmm?” 

“You know that your dad was wrong, right?” Gulf asked but Mew didn’t respond. They were laying down on the bed, Gulf wrapped in Mew's arms.

“You’re going to prove him wrong. You’re going to get your degree and be an actor at the same time. You’re going to walk down the streets and people will beg to have your pictures taken with them.”

Mew moved, wrapping his arms tightly around Gulf. “Do you really think so?” 

“Yes, I believe you and I will be by your side along the way.” 

Mew didn’t need to say words, he just smiled and pressed a kiss on Gulf's lips and it was the answer to Gulf’s statement, Mew believed him.

* * *

_(12)_

“Finally!” Gulf screamed on top of his lungs as he held his diploma tightly against his chest, eyes drowned in happiness.

“Finally out of this campus life!” Mew cheered, raising his arms as he holds his own diploma. 

They were so happy, so happy that they were finally one step ahead reaching their dreams together.

College was a roller coaster of ride, stressful yet so fun. Gulf thought it’s the best for years of his life, He met Mew, Mild, Boat, Off and Gun. He wandered his eyes around, everyone was happy. 

Mild was hugging his family and so was boat. Off and Gun were smiling to each other from ear to ear and the rest were jumping in euphoria.

Then someone suddenly grabbed his hand and pulled him into a low and feverish kiss. 

“Happy four years full of love. I love you.” Mew muttered in between kisses, hands sliding down on Gulf's back as he caressed it using his thumb.

Gulf smiled into the kiss, pulling away and pecked Mew's lips once more, “Happy four years and I love you too so much.” 

Mew gave him a dashing smile, looking handsome as ever. “The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” 

Gulf laughed and grinned even more, “Really beautiful.”

* * *

_(13)_

Two months later, Mew got a big spot in a company as engineer whilst planning to take his Masters, and he also got a supporting role in a television series. 

Mew and Gulf celebrated it in a fancy restaurant and made love that night.

After three months of trying and applying at different publishing company. Gulf finally got a job in one of the established broadcasting company, He got to write articles and news, and it was good. His salary was pretty good too, Mew treated him for a dinner the night he got a job and Gulf planned to have a steamy sex with his boyfriend and it happened.

Mew fucked his brains out.

Everything was going so well.

* * *

_(14)_

In just less than a year, Mew's popularity increased. He'd got fans all over the world, He couldn't even leave the house anymore without his manager and his assistant staff. Gulf was so happy and proud because he’d seen how Mew really worked for it, for where he was now.

Mew was living his dreams and that’s all that matters. 

“I’m so proud of you, Mew.” Gulf had once said, smiling fondly at his grinning boyfriend.

Mew gave him his devilishly handsome smile again, “You believed in me that’s why I did it.” 

Gulf felt so proud that day, nothing changed really. They’re still Mew and Gulf, No one could ever change that.

* * *

_(15)_

Gulf already planned a dinner for their fifth anniversary at their home. Food were ready, there were candles on the table, bed was already prepared.

He was tapping his fingers on top of the table. An hour had passed since Mew's text message, he said he's on his way but he's still not here.

Maybe it's just the traffic, _right?_ But Gulf felt so agitated, like something happened.

Hid phone beeped and he saw a text from Mew. He smiled and opened the message.

_**Baby, I'm sorry. I couldn't be there tonight. They wouldn't let me go because there are a lot of people outside the hotel we were staying in. I promise I will make it up to you tomorrow. Get some sleep, Gulf. I love you. Happy five years of love.** _

Gulf's smile dropped, he felt a heavy brick landed right onto his shoulder.

Mew never missed a dinner night. Just this time.

* * *

_(16)_

Mew got another series, It's a BL series, and they were supposed to celebrate but now they were fighting again.

Their fights have been going on for days, over big things and small things.

“How could I work when you’re always like this, Gulf?” Mew asked, still giving a little patience for the sake of Gulf. “You’re always jealous. It was getting out of hand already.” 

Gulf scoffed, shaking his head, “Getting out of hand, really? He told me he likes you in front of my face, Mew! What else do you want me to do? Sit my ass here and do nothing?” Gulf's voice was hard and loud, but he was so angry. That little shit was getting on his nerves, “I know you have to do all that shitty fan service for the sake of your fans but he's so annoying! Like he wanted to rub it on my face! Oh look Gulf, I can be with your boyfriend in public! That’s what he wants!” 

“You’re being so unreasonable, Gulf. You know it’s just work.” Mew said, “I want you to trust me. How many times did we fight today? Two? Three? I'm getting tired of it!” He shouted almost as loud and hard as him and Gulf tensed at that, He never heard him shouted like that, He never saw him this mad. 

“Are you getting tired of me?” Gulf asked, He felt so small under Mew's intense gaze.

“I didn’t say that.” 

“Then what do you mean by that?” Gulf asked.

It felt so foreign for him, this situation. He never had a fight with Mew like this. They've been together for five years and this was the first time he felt like he's going to cry.

“I just don’t know where you're coming from, Gulf. How many times do I have to assure you?” Mew's voice was hard. It was bizarre because Gulf was not used to this.

He swallowed a throat as he tried not to let his tears stream down his face.

He fucking hated this. He hated it when they fight.

And it scared Gulf big time, Mew's angry voice became louder than his _I love you_. Gulf felt in a heartbeat, Mew would choose his pride over Gulf. It seemed like in a blink of an eye, he would bet the future they had dreamed.

Or maybe Gulf was over thinking again. He hoped so.

He was silent for awhile, He couldn’t formulate an answer instead he wrapped his arms around him. 

“Tell me if you cool down then we can talk.” Mew mumbled, then he made his way straight to the bedroom.

That was the first time Mew let Gulf sleep with a heavy heart.

* * *

_(17)_

Mew was even more busy than before, promotions for his series right there and then. Gulf always saw him appear on television, and even though he's so jealous, He would still watch Mew’s series, sometimes he would skip the kissing and bed scenes. He couldn’t help it.

Gulf even wrote tons of articles about Mew and his rose to fame. 

Mew was so popular now. Everyone knew him, everyone wanted his attention. It had been over a little month since they fought over his on going on-screen partner. Mew said _sorry_ after two days, but usually he wouldn't let an hour to say sorry. Gulf was the first one to apologized in person and sent him text messages but his boyfriend seemed so busy, He didn’t have time to check his phone. He even had to call his manager, Boss, to check up on him. 

The thing was, Not everyone knew about Gulf and his relationship with Mew. Just their families and friends. Gulf never complained because he understood the situation, he had to appear single in front of their fans so there wouldn't be any more problems with his fanservice, he really did understand but sometimes he wanted to feel that Mew was proud of him too.

Like he wasn't not ashamed to be with Gulf. 

It even made him angry when he couldn't even post pictures of them together on social media like the old times.

Gulf just heaved a sighed thinking about it. He never knew their relationship would end up being this complicated. 

It was yet another cold night. Mew came back home from a lot of promotions, He was on the other side of the bed sleeping peacefully and Gulf was on the other side, watching Mew.

It seemed like they just clutch the two ends of the bed, it had been week since they became like this. Mew was so near yet he felt so far. 

This was the first night Mew made him cry in pain and longing.

* * *

_(18)_

Gulf was sitting alone on their sofa, a blanket wrapped around his body as he sniffled the smell of Mew's shirt. He felt like he's going to be really crazy any time soon. 

It's Mew's birthday. But his boyfriend was celebrating it in a club with his actor friends. Gulf didn’t want to go because he didn't even know anyone, Even Mew's best friends – Off and Tul weren’t even there – Mew told him that they were just going to celebrate it tomorrow, though.

His phone beeped on his side, he quickly grabbed it with a wishful thinking that it’s from Mew.

But it was from Mild.

 _ **Hey, Gulf! Tell your boyfriend I said Happy birthday. I couldn’t reach him, his phone must be off**_.

Gulf sighed and read the message he sent to Mew three hours ago.

 ** _Happy birthday, Mew. I love you._**

_**Can we celebrate your birthday now? I'm alone.** _

_**When are you going to come home? I miss you**_.

 _ **I have a gift for you**_. 

Those were the messages but he never received one from Mew that night. He missed him, he missed his boyfriend so much and it hurts. How did they become so distant? Their relationship turned so cold.

Gulf felt like memories were all he had now, He's loosing Mew and it fucking hurts.

He remembered Gun's words from before.

_Never love someone unless you're ready to give them the permission to break your heart._

Mew was the only one who could make his heart happy but he was also the one who can tear it.

* * *

_(19)_

Gulf felt that’s it had been a long time since they had sex and now Mew was deep inside him, moaning how beautiful Gulf was.

He gripped Mew's shoulders as he felt hit his sweet spot, then he moaned so loud when Mew slammed inside.

But he wanted to say something, so many questions he wanted to ask.

“Mew, We’re okay, right?” Gulf asked.

Mew didn’t answer him, instead, he just kept thrusting inside of Gulf.

Gulf tried again.

“You still love me, right?” 

Mew nodded his head, “I love you, Gulf.”

It'd been awhile since he also heard that. But hearing him say those words felt so unsatisfying. It's not the same as before.

They both came. 

Gulf was sweating, and he felt hot all over, “I love you too, Mew. Don’t leave.” 

_Please stay with me. Stay with me forever._

He still wanted to say those words but Mew already collapsed in his side and fell asleep.

There were a lot of things pestering in Gulf’s mind, things he couldn’t control, and there was no difficult and scary battle he had to face other than the battle inside his mind.

Gulf took a deep breathe, He moved to his side and caressed Mew's cheeks, and smiled a bit, but inside, he was _so_ scared. 

He didn’t want to wake up one morning and start questioning himself why Mew didn’t love him anymore.

* * *

_(20)_

“I could say that it's less the agony than not to see you at all.” Gulf claimed, there was a bitterness underlying those words. 

Gulf was at backstage after Mew's fan meeting ended. There were a lot of people he couldn't recognize and he was really glad that he brought Mild and Gun at the event.

He missed Mew, two weeks had passed since he hadn’t been home because of his fan meetings from one country to another and he finally got to see him here in Thailand.

Mew smiled at him, “I’m sorry, Gulf. I was really busy but you understand, right?”

_I'm trying to understand everything._

“Yeah, I do.” 

“There's an after party, You want to come?” Mew asked him.

Gulf felt a pang on his heart, Mew forgot it again, They planned a dinner night. 

He shook his head, “I have something to do. I'm writing my first book.” He lied about doing something, he just wanted to get out of the room as soon as possible because in any minute he could feel it, he felt that he was going to burst in tears.

“Are you sure you’re okay not going?” Mew asked again.

“Yeah, I'm fine.” Gulf muttered, shortest words were really the most hardest pills to swallow. He told him he's okay, but he's not. He just didn't want to set a fire that lasted. 

Mew nodded his head and just smiled. Gulf wanted to cry, Did Mew become plain stupid or he’s just really clueless about everything? 

He should get used to this, this had become a habit, anyways. Mew forgetting about their plans and always forgets about Gulf now.

* * *

_(21)_

“I thought I should trust what’s between us. I thought I just have to wait for you to come back to me and maybe I just need to endure the pain and wait a little bit longer.” Gulf asked silently, His heart felt so heavy, it was breaking into pieces and the agony he was feeling was never ending.

Mew just stared at Gulf, eyes were sad as Gulf's.

Mew forgot their sixth anniversary last week. He forgot to greet Gulf on his birthday. He didn’t come for a week because of work. And work was the only thing in Mew's mind, It consumed him, work took Mew away from him.

Mew suddenly forgot the person who was with him when he had nothing. He forgot the person who was with him along the way, cheering for him when some people were doubting him. 

For Mew, there was no Gulf anymore.

“I’m sorry, Gulf.” 

“How different your sorry now from all the times you apologized to me?” 

Mew just stared at him and mumbled another, “I’m sorry.” 

Gulf made a sarcastic laugh as he scoffed, “It seems like sorry is the only term you know the past few days.” He said, “How did we become like this, Mew? Where are the promises? Our plans? The only promise you kept was to buy a fucking house.” 

Mew kept his silence.

“This is not home anymore, Mew. This is just a motel for you. You only stop by when you’re bored, when you like to fuck. This is not what we built.” 

“I don't know what happened.” Mew muttered, _finally_ he said something other than apologizing.

That’s not what Gulf wanted to hear. He wanted Mew to reassure him. He wanted him to say that he also wanted to fix this relationship. To get things right again.

The atmosphere inside their home was melancholic. It wasn't the same anymore, The only things left here were the memories.

“You only love me when it’s convenient for you.” Gulf remarked.

Mew this time stared at him in disbelief, “That’s not true, Gulf.” 

He rolled an eye, “You can say it right to my face if you don’t love me anymore. It’s more easy to accept the reality that way.” 

The truth is Gulf didn’t want that to happen. Mew promised him, He promised that they were still going get married. 

“It’s not like that, Gulf.”   
  
“Then what?” 

“I still love you, okay?” 

It made Gulf closed his eyes, Mew knew how to get him, in just a simple _I love you,_ He got Gulf again. 

“Then why do I feel otherwise?” 

Mew didn't answer; So Gulf took a step backwards and made his way into their room, He wished that Mew would follow him to fix things together but he never came.

* * *

_(22)_

Gulf sent him a text while he's at work.

_**Congratulations to your three awards tonight. You're really my best actor.** _

Mew replied.

_**Thank you babe. I wish you were there.** _

_**I was watching you, though. You looked handsome.** _

There was another reply from Mew.

_**Thanks baby, I love you.** _

_**I love you too, Mew.** _

Gulf thought things were going to be okay now. He thought they already fixed things.

* * *

_(23)_

Things got back the way they were before. Mew was home more often, they spent nights in bed cuddled with each other watching Adam Sandler's movie.

Like before.

Gulf wouldn't want to trade this moment for anything. 

When he was writing his first novel at home, Mew was there to cheer him up, got him coffee and encouraged him. Gulf did the same, Mew had another series and while he was reading the script, Gulf would massage his shoulders and encouraged him.

* * *

_(24)_

Until Mew landed a major role in a movie. He became busy again. 

His character was sad and vengeful, and Mew was too passionate that he even became one.

A sad Mew.

A sad person who always pushed people away. Mostly Gulf.

* * *

_(25)_

**_I miss you, I hope you're doing well at the shoot._ **

It was his 23rd message for Mew that day, And he didn't receive anything from his boyfriend.

Was he so clingy and demanding? Was Mew getting tired of it? 

But Gulf never asked him for anything the past few years. Just Mew was enough.

He sighed, Gulf wondered how many world Mew had made for people.

He wondered how many times Mew had spilled overused jokes just to make people smile.

He wondered how many times Mew set aside his own happiness for the sake of others.

Gulf wondered if Mew ever thought of him.

* * *

_(26)_

**_Mew, I bought a cat. our cat. I named her Ju._**

It was his 45th message for Mew for about five days and again he didn't receive any response.

* * *

_(27)_

**_I hope you can meet our cat soon when you're done shooting. Please, reply._ **

**_I miss you, You're coming at Tul's party right? Your best friend misses you too._ **

**_We all miss you._ **

Gulf rested his phone on his side, He waited and waited for a miracle, that Mew would send a text but it never came.

* * *

_(28)_

**_I'm almost finished with my book._ **

He sent a message to Mew.

_**Really? Will I be the one to read it first?** _

Mew made a reply. Gulf smiled.

But his smile was a bit dull.

He hadn't seen him for three months but he'd seen his face everywhere, on billboards, different Social Media Platforms, television and he had a lot of commercials. 

**_Of course. Maybe next week?_**

Gulf replied. Not seconds later, He got a reply from Mew.

_**Sure babe. Can’t wait to read it.** _

* * *

_(29)_

Gulf finished his book, He had to submit it to the CEO of the publishing company but he told Mew he was going to be the first one to read it. 

He sent him a text but Mew didn’t reply. 

He thought Mew was excited to read it, Maybe he thought wrong.

Maybe Gulf had a fault too, for trusting way too much, for giving him way too much of himself while Mew gave him less in return.

* * *

_(30)_

Gulf missed the old Mew, because the Mew from before was always there for him whenever he needed him. He was always there to protect him and gave him words of assurance he needed to hear.

He missed how Mew would make lame and overused jokes so he could make Gulf smile. Mew said he loved it when Gulf smiled.

The _do I know you from somewhere line_ , he missed it too. Their late night talks, his touch, his warm embrace and the smell of home in it, his handsome face, his smile, their plans for the future.

He missed how Mew would always make a point from the books and movies he had read and seen. 

He missed their Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore’s movie marathon.

He missed how Mew would say _the moon is beautiful, isn’t it?_ Because that's his way of telling Gulf he loved him. 

He wondered if he still had the same effect on Mew like before.

He missed the time when Mew loved him, the time when he loved Gulf the _most_.

* * *

_(31)_

Gulf knew he couldn't love someone again other than Mew. He was his first and great love.

He prayed that Mew still loved him the same way before.

* * *

_(32)_

He saw Mew's Instagram post, The shooting came to an end and he was there, celebrating with his co actors.

He didn’t tell Gulf.

Gulf was too immune to sadness so it wasn't really a bother but it still made his heart tear into million pieces.

It seems like he was the only one fighting for this relationship. Mew already gave up to save whatever it was left to save and Gulf felt like he's about to give up too.

It hurts, when Gulf was still fighting for this battle but Mew had already surrendered. He couldn’t do this alone because relationship composed of two people. He needed Mew to fight for them too because how could they win this when they're not together?

He was just too tired fighting alone.

Gulf knew he’s supposed to leave the place, their shared home, there’s nothing he could do anymore. He knew he's no longer needed here but his own self told him he should wait and stay. He didn't really understand himself why he’s still finding all the possible reasons and he knew it was too foolish of him.

* * *

_(33)_

Mew never came home anymore, Gulf would get up from the bed, go to work and back home with no one then repeat everything everyday. 

He saw Mew's manager – Boss – posted a picture of their crew in Jeju Island. 

_Funny_ because he didn’t even know that Mew was in another country. 

He searched for Mew's name on his phone and types a message.

_**I'm sorry if I ever looked so desperate. Was it too dumb of me to think that you still care for me? Was it too fool of me to still trying to pick up the pieces of our past and thinking about the good days when we were together? Was I too desperate and stupid hoping that you would come back to me? I'm sorry, Mew. I'm sorry if I still hold on because I'm just really having a hard time letting go of you and it hurts me so much knowing that you wouldn’t even do the same for me.** _

He didn’t know how and why he found himself crying, tears already on the screen of his phone. He was silently crying and it hurts so much. 

He didn’t send the message. He just cried all night wishing that pain would just go away.

* * *

_(34)_  
Gulf knew they’re not together anymore. He’s just waiting for formality.

The last message Gulf sent him was yesterday. 

It was about how Mew was doing with his promotions. _Fucking never ending promotions_ , The more he got popular, the more he would get new offers and Gulf should be happy for him but he couldn’t help but to curse his work. 

He's already doing his Masters. How come time went so fucking fast? Mew's planning to do his PhD soon. 

But it’s a struggle for Gulf at least, He knew he was supposed to leave but he still chose to be an idiot and stay because there’s a remaining part of Gulf telling him that he should hold on. 

He hated himself because he was supposed to let go because Mew already did let him go.

He's supposed to leave and move on with his own life because he had no place in Mew's life anymore. But Gulf was still at the edge of hope, he’s still clinging on the promises they made for each other.

It’s too dumb for him, He knew. He's become so dumb because of _love_. 

He loved Mew too much, he even forgot to love himself. 

Mew was the one who taught him love, and heartbreak.

The next day Gulf didn’t send messages to Mew anymore. There's no use, he’s not going to get a reply anyway.

On the same day he visited Mew’s parents and helped Mew's mom to cook dinner.

He spent the dinner with Mew's family and had a long talk with Mew's sister. He never told her about their problems, he never told her about their dying relationship instead he spent the night talking about Mew and the memories they had shared through their college years.

He slept inside Mew's room, he stayed up all night, crying.

 _God_ , He’s such an idiot and a hopeless one, indeed.

* * *

_(35)_

Mild, Boat and Gun knew what was going on although Gulf never told them about it. 

He wanted to appear happy in front of his friends but they knew him all too well. 

One day, He couldn't hold himself but to have a breakdown in front of them. 

“It's okay, G. We’re here. It’s okay to cry.” Mild said, rubbing his back.

But it didn’t ease any pain he was feeling. 

“It’s okay not to be okay, Gulf. It’s okay.” Gun spoke this time, He knew they're giving him all those pity looks now. 

Gulf just cried and cried until he ran out of tears.

* * *

_(36)_

After a week, Gulf already made his mind and packed his things, got a condo in Mild and Boat's building. 

He received a message from Mew the day after. 

He huffed, Mew still knew his number, huh.

_**Where are your things? Where are you?** _

Gulf looked at his phone and made a reply.

**_I moved out. You can have the house all by yourself._ **

And Mew never responded that day.

Although, Gulf waited. He’s so fucking stupid, He’s a smart person but when it came to Mew, he's stupid.

Gulf shook his head, He hated Mew. He loved Mew. How do you even love someone so much it made you hate them because you know you would never move on from them?

And he wanted to forget. But how could he forget when Mew gave him so much to remember?

* * *

_(37)_

Gulf found himself standing in front of Mew. He hadn't seen him in months, three months specifically. He changed so much, His shoulders and biceps became prominent and broad. His jaw became sharper that could cut a paper. Mew was even more handsome and enigmatic, He looked okay to Gulf.

Gulf believed that Mew looked more than alright without him.

Gulf knew that this would be the last time they’re going to see each other. They both had different worlds now. 

But in Gulf's world there’s still Mew in it, But in Mew's world, there’s no Gulf anymore.

Maybe this was finally the end of the line. The line that they had created the moment they met but also the line they had to cut.

Gulf thought that if he ever saw Mew again, He would shout, scream on top of his lungs. He thought he would be angry and tell him that he's so fucking selfish, that he hurt him so much. He would tell him how many times he had cried because he’s hurting and missing him so much, he’s craving for his presence, he was longing for him.

He thought he would tell Mew how _unhappy_ he was without him.

But one thing Gulf realized, that maybe, he had a fair share of mistakes too. Maybe he became too demanding for his time, pressuring him to spend more time with him, not understanding the line of his work, becoming such a jealous human being. 

He realized that although he felt a lot of pain, loving didn't always have to feel good.

And Mew taught him when to gain love and when to lose it.

Gulf never knew he would tell this to Mew. “I’m so happy for you, Mew. You're living your dreams. You got what you wanted.” Gulf mumbled, he wanted to be subtle from pain, to appear strong in front of the man who hurt him, to tell Mew that he’s fine without him but his voice became a bit small and fragile.

At the back of his mind, Gulf wondered if Mew could still read him when he’s hurting. He wished he still could.

Just how and why did they became like this?  
  
How come Mew didn’t give an effort to save them? Didn’t he love Gulf enough to fight for him? They had so much plans, they had dreamed of growing old together but right now they were ending those dreams. 

Mew told him that they were going to travel different countries but the past month he had been travelling without him. 

_How did we lost us?_ Gulf asked himself so many times. He wanted to ask Mew that question too but Gulf didn't have the strength anymore. 

Everything felt so exhausting and draining.

“I’m sorry, Gulf. I don’t know anymore.” 

“Do you have someone new?” 

Mew shook his head and he looked offended that Gulf would ask such thing, “I don't.” 

“No,” Gulf shook his head, “Let me rephrase that. Have you been seeing someone else when we were having our downs and fights? Because that’s the only thing I could think of. Or, Were you just really tired of me and fell out of love?”

Gulf wanted answers. He just wanted to hear it from Mew, and whatever his answer may be, he's just going to accept it because he what could he do?

Mew shook his head again, “You know I won't cheat on you. I will never do that.” He mumbled, “I just don’t know what happened. I lost myself in the line. I was so keen with work.” 

Gulf shook his head like he really understood him, He knew Mew would never cheat but it would be better if he just said that he just fell out of love instead of torturing Gulf like this, making him think of possible answers. “We lost ourselves in the line.” 

_But I lost you first. And myself._

“I hurt you a lot of fucking times.” Mew said, like he regretted hurting Gulf, but it’s too late now, wasn't? The damage had been done. The trust had been broken.“ I wanted to fix things with you. I just don’t know how. I became so complicated. I became someone I feared the most, selfish and self-centered.” 

Gulf smiled sadly and there’s a tear rolled down his eyes and tried to wipe it off of his face. “Why didn’t you try to fix things between us? I've been waiting, you know. All this time I felt like I was the only one who wanted to fix what’s left in our relationship. Why didn’t you try? I was willing to forget everything and rush back to you if you've told me that you still want me in your life, Mew.”

Mew just looked at him, his eyes were sad. “I don’t know what’s going on with myself.” 

Gulf painfully smiled, “Maybe you want to explore the world by yourself only.” 

Mew stayed silent. So Gulf bravely decided to finally say it, “Maybe we still have to grow, Mew. And part of it is growing apart. The future is so bright for you. Just focus on it.”

Even at this time, Gulf still thought of Mew. He still thought of his future and not his. He loved him more than he even loved himself and maybe that’s the problem, he gave Mew a big part of himself as he forgot himself. He loved too much mayhaps that’s why he was hurting so much 

“I was an asshole. I didn’t keep my promises.” 

Gulf just lets out a shaky breathe, “Some promises are meant to be broken Mew and that’s okay. Don't worry, I'll be okay.” .

Gulf really applauded himself for being the best liar ever.

He stared at Mew who was looking back at him, He thought he could still read him through his eyes but he couldn't now. Mew changed so much. There’s a little part of him that thought if Mew tells him he still loves Gulf, and he didn't want him to go, Gulf would really stay.

That’s how a big of a dumbass he was for Mew.

But Mew didn’t say that.

“Thank you, Gulf. Thank you for being there for me. You’ve been my greatest supporter. You were my rock and I'm sorry if we have to end this way.” Mew muttered, eyes settling on Gulf's sad ones.

He didn’t know if he was seeing things right but there were really regrets in Mew’s eyes, Gulf could see it but if he was sorry and regretted everything, Why couldn't he fight for this? Or maybe he regretted being with Gulf?

“It was getting unhealthy, anyway. I just thought we would last.” Gulf mumbled, giving a soft chuckle, “You have your contract signing for your new endorsement, right? You can leave. I have something to do too.” He said, half of it were lies, He didn't have something to do, he just wanted to be alone because if Mew wouldn't leave soon. He might beg him to say which was not a good thing to do. And for the sake of his sanity, He had to let Mew go.

Mew didn’t budge, He was just standing there for a whole ten seconds, then he hesitantly nodded his head, “You sure you don’t want me to drop you off of your place?” 

Gulf shook his head. 

Mew nodded his head once, “Okay, I'll just leave. Good luck with your book and I wish you the best, Gulf.” 

Gulf just nodded again and Mew spare him a one last glance and left. 

Everything was so simple for Mew, wasn’t it? He remembered when he finally said _yes_ to Mew when the latter asked him to be his, Gulf thought they were each other's light and strength but he was wrong all along because the moment Mew turned his back oh him while tears fell down on his face, Gulf knew Mew was just really strong enough to walk away from him.

It was all gone now. Officially, Mew was not his anymore.

Mew was the one who started everything but he was also the one who ended everything.

All Gulf could do was to leaned his back on the chair, lips trembling and eyes were puffy. His tears wouldn’t just stop streaming down his face and he felt his heart became heavier, and he had find a hard time breathing.

He looked outside and saw Mew's car.

“Why did we even find each other only to part ways in the end, Mew?” He mumbled to himself seeing Mew’s car driving away.

At that moment he realized that not all people really would stay in your life forever even if you wanted them to.

* * *

_(38)_  
  
One thing Gulf realized was that just because he loved Mew with all of his heart that didn't mean he will get the same love that he’s trying to give. 

Sometimes love didn't just work that way.

No matter how much he wanted to keep what he and Mew started, no matter how much he wanted him to stay, if he wanted to leave, then he would really leave.

It would take two to tango, it would take two people to keep the relationship going.

And no matter how much he wanted to work things out, he realized that he should just give up. It’s so tiring to hold on to uncertainties.

He had to let Mew go no matter how much it hurts him.


	2. Of Regrets

**MEW**

_(_ _39)_

It has been exactly a month since Mew and Gulf had broken up. For Mew's part, It was difficult to see Gulf tearing apart because of him. To see him having a hard time because of Mew, to see him begging for comfort when Mew couldn’t even give it to him when he needed it the most.

It was really hard.

But maybe it was a good thing, _right_? It was good that he ended things with Gulf because Mew knew he didn't have the ability to give him the world he deserved anymore. He would admit that he got caught up with a lot of things in his life, his new life, his fame, series, new friends and all. 

He knew he was hurting him, he knew he was breaking Gulf's heart into pieces yet all he did was to bury himself with work, hang out with his new friends while Gulf was drowning in longing and sadness.

Mew was selfish and a coward.

Dreams, passion and fame had gotten into his head not fully realizing that he was loosing one of the most important person in his life. Mew was a coward to just end things like that, He was an idiot and cruel to let Gulf suffer, to let him go. He was a coward to let Gulf cry in pain without him making him feel better.

He was so selfish to the point that giving up was the only thing he knew to ease Gulf’s pain.

Those days when he was busy filming his series and promoting them, there were a lot of people surrounding him, making him forget that he was missing Gulf. They made him forgot that there was still a person waiting for him to get home. Mew hated himself for thinking that Gulf could wait for him, he hated himself for thinking that Gulf would never gave him up because he loved him too much, he hated himself when he thought that Gulf was willing to wait until Mew was himself again.

In the end, He took Gulf for granted.

Mew knew he wasn’t being his old self, He wasn’t the same person Gulf knew. He was fully aware that he changed.

He became the person he feared the most, He became selfish and self centered.

But what he hated the most when he knew that he was hurting Gulf because he promised to himself that he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't let Gulf feel alone because he would always be there to cheer him up, make him smile and laugh, for Gulf to flash his shy smile, to always made him feel loved but all he did was the complete opposite for almost two years. 

Picturing the things Gulf endured brought so much ached in his heart.

When the day they ended things between them, Mew appeared strong, He looked okay, but inside, He was in sorrow too. How did he let it happen?

He didn’t know what to do, He was hurting Gulf, he made him so miserable and all he did was to enjoy himself with fame and friends. All he knew was to let him go because he didn't want to hurt him anymore, the more Mew was with him, the more he'd just hurt Gulf. That’s what he thought.

Mew hurt him enough. And he wouldn’t be selfish for the last time to hold Gulf like before. He deserved so much better, even though letting go was the hardest thing to do, the only solution for pain was that.  
  
He didn't want to be selfish at that time and just caged Gulf with him, he didn't want Gulf's world to revolve just around him. Because in the first place, they had their own world before they met and Gulf had things to follow too, his dreams, and his passion.

Mew would let him have his time with his family and friends. He did not want Gulf to center and focus his world around him.

Gulf would always hold a special place inside his heart that no one could ever replace. Gulf was his first love – and although they weren’t together anymore – he really wished him the best in life.

* * *

_(40)_

Mew didn’t tell anybody about the break up, it was obvious, anyway. Gulf moved out and Mew bought another place for him to stay in. He had no reasons to stay at their shared house and he wanted to give it to Gulf but it seemed like the latter had no plan to own it too.

The house they built together was left alone with just only memories they shared together. And some of their stuff too that Mew didn’t know if he's going to keep them.

It’d been two months since he last saw Gulf and Mew knew he’s probably moving on and that’s what he should also do – move on and accept the fact that Gulf was no longer in his life.

A month later, His management told him that he should tell everyone that he’s single, that he’s not dating anyone and so he did because he really was single. Everyone was happy to know that, there were lots of girls and guys gushing over him, he was well aware of that but when he was still dating Gulf, he would just not give a fuck about them.

Mew realized that he never really told anyone that he was dating Gulf when he rose to fame, Only his really close friends, family and people around Gulf who knew – and probably some of their batch mates in college. Although his management knew about it, they never really meddle with it until Mew got really popular and they told him that he should be careful and he shouldn’t be seen with him often – for the sake of his fan service with his on-screen partners – Mew was sure that Gulf was feeling like Mew wasn’t proud of him but Mew was the one who wasn't proud of himself, he was ashamed to himself because Gulf was nothing but a good person who was there when he was having a hard time achieving his dreams, he was there to make him feel better, he was there when Mew needed him the most, and Gulf was there to put a smile on his face even though he didn’t want to.

He wasn't so proud of himself despite of what he had achieved so far. 

Another month passed in blur, He's getting a lot of appreciation and recognition. He was given a lot of opportunity to show his talent to everyone, even releasing a song he wrote when he was still in college, it topped the charts, he got all kill then after he landed another series and it was so great, he's having the time of his life. 

Maybe the break up was a blessing in disguise, because the moment it happened there were a lot of great things that came to his way, his management was so happy about it, giving him a lot of opportunities he was dreaming for so long. He got an album, movies and a luxury life that once he had dreamed when he was still a kid. It's all happening. 

And yeah, Maybe the break up was a good thing but sometimes he felt that something was missing, that something was making him feel that he's incomplete.

* * *

_(41)_

Mew was home again after a month with his family and the first thing his mother asked him if he was _okay._ She had been so devastated about what happened between him and Gulf the last time he made a visit here.

Gulf had been a part of his family.

Mew didn’t actually told her about it though, but he was suspicious that his sister told their mom since she was close to Gulf.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked in that gentle tone she’d used when he came home with sad face because she knew he had hard time again. 

And like always, Mew shook his head. “I'm fine" He said, fooling no one. There's a certain melancholy lingering his voice, “I’m really fine, mom.” 

His mum looked at him sadly. “You were so happy with him.”

 _You were so happy with him,_ Mew shook his head, He wasn't, though. He was _glorious_ with him.

* * *

_(42)_

After filming his new film, Mew found himself in the middle of the bar they went to, full of sweaty and overdressed people on the dance floor, music blasting in full volume.

There's a red wine filling his glass in half and Mew was bobbing his head up and down to the tune of the loud music. Some people would pass him and say _Congratulations and You did great._

Mew would just give them smile and nod. 

“Hey, Mew! Want to get out of here?” A voice came, Mew tilted his head to the side and see who called his name, his eyes settled on Eye. She was one of his co-actors in the film. 

She jogged her way towards the bar counter and stood in front of Mew, giving him her smile, waiting for Mew. Mew eyed her curiously, gulping the last amount of wine and opens his mouth to speak, “Where to?” 

Eye smiled, “Uh, Somewhere without loud music.” She finished, giving Mew a flirty smile and Mew wasn't a big ass idiot to not know what she was talking about – He knew Eye liked him, she was too obvious about it.

Mew smirked, He should probably get a laid to kill the boredom and it had been awhile since he had sex with someone anyways, the last time was _with-_ Mew had to shake that thought away, He shouldn’t be thinking about _him_ now.

“Your place?” Mew asked because really that’s the only thing Eye wanted to hear.

She smiled, from ear to ear, like it wouldn’t vanish off of her face as soon as she heard Mew, “Your place. I want to see your house, Mew. You never bring us there so might as well be the first one to see the whole place.”

Mew thought about it and it took a lot of effort for Mew to respond because the next thing he knew she was snapping her fingers in front of his face to get his attention from his own trance.

“Earth to Mew? Hello?” 

Mew snapped out of his thoughts as he looks at Eye again, “I’ll bring you guys some time there but yours will do.” 

Eye's face turned into an indifferent one as if she was really disappointed, “Fine. It’s not like I can do anything about it knowing you are so stubborn.” 

Mew gave her a slight smile, and nodded his head. “Sorry about that.” 

“Shall we go?” She asked, Mew stared at her for seconds, Eye sent him the look he used to see from her whenever she was talking to Mew, the fondness in her eyes whenever she talked to him. 

“Sure.” Mew mumbled – Eye smiled at that even more.

Just as Mew was about to take a step forward, He heard Tul called his name, And he turned around, his friend already making his way towards them.

“Mew, Where are you going, man? Party is not over yet.” Tul mumbled, looking at Mew confused then his eyes landed on Eye, “You’re leaving with her?” It was almost a whisper, preventing from Eye to hear.

Mew was aware that Tul never liked Eye, One time, Tul told him that Eye annoyed the fuck out of him, that she was too clingy as if Mew was her boyfriend. Some people might misinterpret Tul about it, They might think that Tul had hots for Mew but it wasn't not like that because Tul wanted Mew to get back with his ex.

Mew glanced at Eye who was looking at him already, She slightly shot a glare at Tul's way.

“Yeah, Why?” Mew asked.

“It's so rude for you to leave when this is your party after all,” Tul muttered glancing at Eye and rolling his eyes, “Come on, Let's finish the party.” 

“But-“ Mew didn’t finish what he’s about to say when Tul cut him off. 

“No buts. This is your party.” Tul said, giving an emphasis to the word _your_ , “I’m sorry to steal Mew from you Eye and you can actually leave alone.” Then he pulled Mew into the counter where the bartenders were making drinks.

Mew tilted his head to look at Eye but the latter was already making her way out of the place and Mew turned his head to look at his best friend. 

“Why did you do that? That’s so rude.” Mew asked in disbelief.

Tul made a dramatic roll of an eye, “I’m not going to let you have sex tonight because it’s not what you need. A big smack on the head is what you need right now.” 

Mew scoffed, “Are you serious?” 

“I'm serious. Besides, Sex is beautiful when you do it with someone you love.” Tul exclaimed, exclaiming. 

Mew hit him playfully on the head, “You are unbelievable, Tul.” 

“If Off was here. He would tell you the same, Mew.” 

Mew didn’t answer him anymore, He just sighed and plopped himself down on the metal stool chair ad he states blankly at the middle of the dance floor, a little part of him was actually glad that Tul called him, and blocking him from going somewhere with Eye.

* * *

_(43)_

Mew laughed at something Off said about his experience in New York with Tul last month which Mew failed to be with them because of his tight schedule, his laughter echoing through his condo, kicking his feet back and forth.

“That is why Tul will forever be alone. He’s not really good at flirting with people.” Mew said ad he looked over his best friend.

“Tul said he can’t think of words to say. He was so flustered and the girl was really pretty.” Off said in between his laughter.

Mew's laughter died down as he stared at Off. It felt good to had him back, to have this kind of conversation with his best friend again because when he was caught up with shooting his series and movies – he rarely saw him. This was the fourth time Off went to his place to hang out, the first time he was with Gun – just making up for those times they didn’t hang out.

Mew was really happy that he still had his best friend. He’s friends with Off since they were in high school, he was also there through Mew's ups and downs too. Off and Tul were his best friend Mew could trust fully. Well, He trusted his manager Boss too, and NewYear, but with Off and Tul, it’s different. Maybe because the three of them knew each other for so long. 

He's really glad that he had Off as his best friend, Because when Mew felt sad, Off was always there to cheer him up, reminded him that he’s important and loved, he’s always there to prevent Mew from doing something so damn stupid. 

Both of them fell in silence until Off spoke, “But how are you, Mew? We haven’t seen in each for a month.”.

Mew smiled, “I’m fine, Off. Filming was done and promotions will also be done next week so I have time to hang out and catch up with things.” 

Off nodded his head, “That’s great to know. I heard you'll be paired up with Saint for your next series. Or was it just a rumor?” 

Mew chuckled, “It was just a rumor. Some fans want us to team up.” 

“Hmm,” Off hummed, “Ah, I'll bring Gun next time when I visit again. He misses you too.” 

“You really should. The last time I talked with your boyfriend feels like ages ago.”

Off nodded his head in agreement, he thought for a while, and it took him twenty seconds to respond, “There are really a lot of people missing you, though.” 

Mew stared at him, “A lot of people? Fans?” 

Off rolled an eye, “Your fans always see you. I meant like Gun, _Mild-“_

“Mild?” Mew asked in disbelief, “Last time I've checked, He was mad at me after I ended things with Gulf.” 

It was true, Mild was so mad at him as if it was his heart Mew broke. On the other hand, Mew completely understood him, Mild was Gulf's best friend after all.

Off shook his head, “It’s not like Gulf won half of your friends over a divorce, Mew. Mild wasn’t mad. He was just really sad when you and Gulf broke up. He was a bit disappointed with you for what you did because he was rooting for the two of you since the very start.”

Mew shrugged his shoulders, “Things happened.” He said, “How is Mild?” 

“He’s okay and doing great. He's busy being a writer and still figuring out his feelings for Boat.”

Mew nodded his head, and silence fell down on them again. He stared blankly at the white walls behind Off. He doesn’t know why the thoughts of Gulf pestering his mind again, Mew asking Off about him was probably not a good idea but there’s this urge eating his mind that he should ask and besides this is his best friend, anyway.

And after all, Gulf was his friend first before he became his lover.

“How's Gulf?” Mew asked, like it came out as blurt. Mew really had no idea how he was. It’d been six months already since their break up. 

Off smiles as if he's happy that Mew asked about Gulf, “He’s doing fine. He’s still working as journalist and he'll be working in his second book.” 

Mew was glad that Gulf was doing fine, He narrowed his eyes at Off again, “Do you think the decision I made was right?” 

Off looked at him and he lets out a sigh, “You’re the only one who can answer that, Mew.” He started, “But,” 

Mew raised a brow at him, “But what?” 

Off opened his mouth to speak again, “But sometimes our decisions weren’t brave but we are not always meant to choose what's brave for us. Sometimes, We have and we need to choose what is right in our heart even if it’s a cowardice for somebody.”

Mew laughed, “Since when did you become a philosopher?” 

“Shut up. You're my best friend so you should know I'm always good with words.” Off said, proudly.

Mew smiled a little, He wished that he's also good with words, at expressing what's inside his head.

* * *

_(44)_

Mew was staring blankly at the white ceiling as he snuggled on the sheets. The promotions were done and Boss told him to get some few days off.

As he found himself laying on his bed, thinking of things that he shouldn’t be thinking in the first place. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Off had said last week about decisions and being brave because Mew wasn’t probably good at both.

But, he realized that there were really things that only if he took _risk_ with Gulf, it could have a good fight but Mew chose not simply because he wasn’t so brave enough to fight for the relationship hanging at the end of hill, he was just brave enough to stand in front of people, offering them entertainment by acting in several series and movies, but he wasn’t so brave enough to stay with Gulf and be the person he deserved.

But regardless of those things, regardless of what Mew lost, at least he avoided another destruction and he knew he made the right decision.

* * *

_(45)_

Off told everyone that he’s getting married to Gun. Mew was really happy for his best friend, he actually knew that among him, Off, and Tul – Off would get married first.

Of course, Mew is invited to the wedding of the year – He is Off ‘s best man.

He was excited and he was sure that he’s going to see families faces again after a long time.

* * *

_(46)_

Mew was standing in front of a painting, It's beautiful. The man and woman were holding each other's hand as if they didn't want to let each other go. He’s thinking about buying it and give to Off and Gun as a wedding gift.

As he's staring at the painting, He remembered his interview with a radio broadcast he did last week. The emcee asked him what was the best decision he had ever made.

He already had an answer to their question but instead of saying what he really thought that time, He lied, he said that the best decision he made recently was to get out of his house and buy paintings, play outside with Chopper – his dog – and received laughter from everyone afterwards.

When he went home that day, He answered the question to himself. He thought that the best decision he made was when he and Gulf ended everything that day than to continue believing that they could still work it out, when in reality, they were already clouded by doubts and uncertainties.

That’s just only his brain because his heart said otherwise. It said that the best decision he had ever made was to grabbed Gulf's David Baldacci's book at the library years ago when they were in college - and gave it back to him - because that was the first time he had the courage to finally talk to him.

* * *

_(47)_

“You looked like you just stepped out of GQ magazine, Mew. You’re dressing up for someone?” Tul's voice echoed through his ears again, Mew rolled an eye.

“This is our best friend's wedding, Tul.” Mew muttered in a as a matter of fact way, then wandered his eyes around, “And it’s actually not my fault that I really like good in everything.” It was just a joke to shut Tul up but knowing his friend, He wouldn't, he’s naturally and prone to say stupid things.

“Okay Mister Handsome. You’re the most good looking guy ever.” Tul said as he glanced at Mew. “Are you looking for someone? You keep roaming your eyes around.” 

Mew finally settled his eyes on his friend, stopping his eyes from wandering around the venue again, “I was looking for my parents, Tul.” 

Tul smirked, “Really, huh? Are you a lost kid? Why were you looking for them? I’m sure they are just around.” 

Mew rolled his eyes and huffed, “Stop fucking with me.” 

“Hmm.” Tul hummed and chuckled.

Mew shook his head in disbelief and was about to say something when New Year made his way to the two of them. And soon, Tul and New Year fell into their conversation and Mew was left alone listening to whatever they were talking about.

He straightened his suit even more and ten minutes had passed, there were already few people who went to take a picture and Mew just smiled at the camera, when it’s done, New Year teased him about being so famous that even at this wedding, he was a scene stealer.

Mew just waved him off and laughed.

Another minutes had passed and Mew was sitting besides Tul, Max, Boss and New Year gathered around a round table, The after wedding party was just about to start.

Tul spoke and he looked at Mew, “Where is Mild and Boat? I haven’t seen them after the ceremony.” He muttered. 

Mew just shrugged his shoulder, he wasn’t actually sure if he’s ready to talk to Mild and Boat.

Mew was about to open his mouth when Tul opened his mouth agaiin, “Ah, Gulf’s here.” 

Mew fought the urge to look at the direction where his friends were looking but then he turned his head to follow their gazes and his eyes landed on Gulf. 

Just awhile ago at the ceremony was too awkward, Mew was Off's best man and Gulf was Gun's. 

Gulf was still the same, he still looked good, but tonight, and looked more refreshing, more healthy and most of all, he looked happy. Mew couldn’t look away when Gulf was smiling while he was talking with Mew's mother, and right, Mew's ex was talking to his mother.  
  
“Gulf really have gotten close to your family, Mew.” New Year muttered but Mew didn’t still turn his head to give his attention to his friend because he was busy figuring out what Gulf was talking about with his mother.

“Of course. They were together for like almost eight years?” Tul said and Mew contemplated his choice if he really made a good decision choosing friends because both Tul and New Year were not so subtle about bringing things in the past, like they were doing it for a reason.

This time, Mew wasn’t sure if he’s figuring out what Gulf was talking about with his mother or he's just busy staring at him.

He’s about to look away, to stop staring but Gulf turned his head towards him and his eyes settled on Mew – Gulf wasn't smiling anymore, he was just looking at Mew too, they held eye contact for ten seconds and Gulf finally broke it and looked away and so did Mew.

“You should've taken pictures when he’s not looking and make it as wallpaper on your phone.” Tul teased and Mew playfully hit the back of Tul's head.

“You’re always full of shits, Tul.” 

And Tul just laughed.

After half an hour, The host of the wedding told everyone that it’s time for a special speeches from special people of Gun and Off's lives. Their families were the first one to gave messages and the next thing he knew, His name was being called.

Mew went in front, gave Off and Gun a smile, then he holds the mic between his fingers, opens his mouth to speak, “I want to congratulate both of my friends,” He said then looked at Off and Gun, “What can I say, Off? You got what you wanted and that’s Gun.” Mew chuckled and so was the newly Wed, “I am so happy for the both of you. When we were in our freshmen, Off was actually so shy to get your number, Gun. I told him to man up and asked you out on a date – Ever since he saw you, I knew you'd be the one who will tame him. I guess I was right after all, Look at the both of you. I'm really so happy and I wish the both of you a happy life. I love you guys.” 

That was his simple speech, Everyone clapped their hands as Mew smiled for the last time and went straight to his seat. 

Then Gulf was next to make his speech, Mew watched as Gulf put the mic in front of his mouth then after he smiled to everyone – people inside the venue werer silent, as if they are anticipating Gulf's speech.

Mew stared at him, Gulf looked really good. He always looked beautiful.

“He’s looking so good, Isn’t he, Mew?” Tul leaned in to whisper, And Mew just really wanted to strangle his friend.

“Shut the fuck up, Tul.” 

Tul just smirked and leaned away to listen because Gulf started his speech, Mew was all on his ears too. He haven’t heard him for so long and the moment Gulf said _good_ _evening_ to everyone, Mew felt like he haven't heard Gulf's shy and small voice for years.

Gulf was looking at Off and Gun when he spoke words again, “The moment Gun told me that Off confessed his love for my friend. I was really happy because finally Off had the guts to do so. I knew Off was the one Gun's going to end up with, I don’t know why I think so but maybe because you two blend together so well.” Gulf mumbled, then he wandered his eyes around and Mew swore for a moment, He met eyes with Gulf, but the latter glanced his eyes back again at the couple. “I knew the love between you guys are strong. I am no a fortune teller but I know that you two will have few misunderstanding in the future because all couples do, right? But I know fights are necessary in a relationship but it doesn’t mean making an enemy out of your partner, but being a solid team so you can fight against the problem better and grow. That's love, making amends. Because in love there should be no room for pride, it's not about putting or taking the blame, but the willingness to humble down and acknowledge each other's imperfections.” Gulf said, and everyone is listening to him intently. He's a writer, Gulf always knew what to say and what not.

Mew just stared at him, listening intently and he didn’t know what he was feeling. Gulf's words may not be for him but he felt like there were meanings behind it, like he was not just telling Off and Gun that. 

Or he was just assuming things.

“ I know that the both of you are strong to overcome obstacles and difficulties that would come your way. Congratulations to the newly wed!” Gulf finished and everyone was clapping their hands together. 

Mew watched as Gulf made his way to his table and he was already listening to Mild in front who's giving his speech.

Gulf's words from earlier should not affect him but they did.

* * *

_(48)_

The thing was that, Mew missed the most was having someone to sleep next to in bed and he shouldn’t be thinking about that when he's having a drink with Tul and Boss.

And Gulf suddenly popped into his head and remembered how he would wrinkle his nose as he shifted to his side, hand tucked under his cheek, and when Mew would roll too far, Gulf would grumble and wriggle closer until some parts of them were touching.

But he didn’t know if he really missed it or he just wanted to feel the familiar feeling again.

“Mew, Are you okay?” Tul asked, made him snapped out of his thoughts.

Mew nodded his head, “Yeah.” 

He's fine, he should be fine.

* * *

_(49)_

It had been exactly a week since the wedding and Gulf's words were still lingering inside Mew's head, and the only thing he could think of to distract him by those thoughts was to put his attention on something, on someone.

So he found himself pulling Eye's face closer to him as they both kissed each other, hands roaming around each other's body. 

“Mew,” She breathed in between kisses, “I love you.”

It’s like everything stopped when she uttered those three words, and without hesitation, Mew stopped kissing her, opening his eyes as he stared at her. Surprised is the understatement of the century because he knew Eye liked him but he didn’t know that she actually loved him.

“What?” Mew asked, that’s the only thing he could say.

Eye bite her lower lip as she swallowed the lump on her throat, “I love you. I'm in love with you. I have been for a while.” 

Mew stared at her ridiculously, the problem about hearing those words from her was that, Mew didn't feel anything at all, He just thought that the two of them were aware that whatever this was, whatever they were doing just a while ago were just because they wanted to get laid.

“Eye, That's.. I don't know. _We're-“_

She stopped him from talking as she grabbed Mew's hands, “No. Why did you fucking kiss me then?” 

Mew shook his head, he pulled his hands from her grip, “I don’t see of you that way.” 

Eye scoffed, "You do just want a fuck, don't you?” She muttered, “I want it too but Mew, I love you, okay? Maybe you can give us a chance.” 

Mew can see the hurt and hope in her eyes but he couldn't do anything about it. 

You just can’t force love. 

He couldn’t force himself to like her, because when he liked someone, he would feel it. And with Eye, she’s just a friend and a colleague.

“I just see you as a friend, Eye. I'm sorry for what I did.”

“Friends don’t kiss like that, Mew.” She said, “I’m right, then. You were just looking for someone to distract you.” 

Mew stared at her and looked at her confused. “What?” 

“It’s Gulf, isn’t it?” Eye uttered firmly, and the way Gulf's name rolled out of her mouth was bitter.

“No.”

Eye laughed like Mew said was a whole ass joke. “You’re not a very good liar, Mew. Your eyes speak what you're feeling.” She started. “Do you want to know how long I've been in love with you?” 

Mew didn’t answer, he just looked at her. Eye got the signal that Mew wasn’t planning to speak anything.

“For as long as we've known each other.” 

Mew was taken aback by that, caught off guard, That means she's been in love with Mew for three years. 

“Yeah, I've been in love with you since you were still dating him. When I discovered that you guys broke up, I was so happy because you’re finally free. I've always been there for you, Mew. But even after you broke up with Gulf, You didn’t even look for anyone because no matter how much you deny it, It’s still him.”

Mew didn’t say anything, he just listened because maybe what she was saying was true after all. Ever since he broke with Gulf, It's not the same anymore, He thought he'd get the freedom he wanted without someone nagging him almost everyday, It felt good for a day, a week, and a month but as months passed by, he couldn’t just forget about Gulf. Even if Mew, himself, was the one who ruined everything. 

“You and Gulf aren’t together anymore, Mew. You have to give other people a chance here,” She said, as she pointed at Mew's heart, There were visible tears in her eyes, Mew could feel the pain she was shouldering but what could he do? He didn't really see her that way. “Why are you still caught up with him?” 

Mew took a deep breathe, “I’m sorry, Eye. I'm sorry this happened but I don’t really see you that way. And, I'm not caught up with him. I just don’t want a relationship now.” 

Eye wiped her tears and shook her head, “I’m not asking for a relationship now, Mew. I’m willing to wait until you’re ready again. Just please, open your heart again.”

“Don’t wait for me. Love someone else who can reciprocate your feelings.” Mew said, “I’m sorry again.” He said for the last time before he pulled himself up from the bed, making his way outside Eye's house leaving her alone.

As soon as he was outside, cold air hitting his skin, he cleanse a breathe. He closes his eyes and groans in annoyance for himself, He shouldn’t have done that, He shouldn’t have led Eye. He felt so guilty because he used her to distract him from thinking about Gulf, and Mew was such a fucked up. He was so freaking terrible at making decsions.

And the kiss, it was nothing.

He didn't feel anything at all, kissing someone you loved – kissing Gulf was still different – What Mew missed the most was how him and Gulf kissed, sometimes soft, sometimes hard, and teasing. They would kiss for hours, on the sofa, on the bed with Gulf on his lap, or Mew hovering him.

Mew kissed him a thousand different ways, and he knew each one.

And yeah, He’s such a fucked up because he just kissed someone else, someone that’s not Gulf but he was still thinking about his kisses.

* * *

_(50)_

Mew missed having a deep conversation with someone at night, on the rooftop watching as stars danced around. Then his imbecile mind wandered when him and Gulf would stay up all night talking about things that mattered, even inconsequential things.

He was on the balcony, half glass of wine on his left hand. He missed Gulf, and he knew he's being hypocrite because he was the one who left, who abandoned things between them.

Mew now believed that regret really was the worst feeling, It’s the worst thing that could possibly result from love. That kind of regret that made Mew wanted to go back to the past. He wished that he didn’t fuck up, because now it hurts him, it hurts like hell, and it’s consuming him.

He now realized that you will always feel the regret when something ends. He knew he fucked up big time and he couldn’t fix whatever that happened because it’s just too late. 

He was just thankful that he got to spend seven years of his life with Gulf, and a little part of him was sad because it could have been more, it could have been for the rest of their lives when he didn’t fuck up and ruined everything.

Mew sighed, he also missed their conversations. Gulf always made him feel like he was the best conversationalist in the world because Gulf would laugh and nod at everything he would say.

Gulf was alluring, endearing and smart. When he would talk, Mew just had to listen, even when he was saying something out of the context. And Gulf understood, Mew could ramble about music and movies for hours and at the end of it, Gulf would nod and give his own opinion with a sense of gravitas as if they were discussing the meaning of life.

He also missed the way Gulf makes him feel, It wasn’t just happiness, but the depth of feeling as well.

And Gulf was so much more, he was just more than a partner, a lover, He was Mew's first love, maybe even last love and everything in between.

* * *

_(51)_

Mew invited Off and Tul over his house because he didn’t really feel like going out. It’s more peaceful at home, no loud noises, at his own house there was a good comfortable atmosphere.

Off and Tul were laughing about their drunken adventures when they were in college and Mew just smiled, seeing them being goofy around each other brought back a lot of memories.

He remembered a lot, including someone who he tried not to think about but he remembered, and the thing about remembering was that you didn't just easily forget.

* * *

_(52)_

Mew woke up at the sound of his alarm clock, slamming it using his hand as he put the soft pillow on top of his face and he remembers that he had an agenda to do, he had to go back to his old place and collect all of his remaining stuff he left there.

It was just another boring day with nothing but a cold morning, and he should really get used to it by now, he deserved it, anyway.

* * *

_(53)_

The moment Mew had put his feet in the old house that once had seen better days, he saw someone he didn’t really expect to see – because out of all days, he was really here – Gulf was standing in the middle of the living room, wandering his eyes around as if he wanted to feel the familiarity, the feeling of owning it before.

They haven’t talked for almost eight months, and seeing Gulf felt so different even though he saw him at the wedding just two weeks ago – It was bittersweet.

Mew found himself sitting on the sofa next to Gulf, the sofa which they bought together. Both of them were sitting next to each other yet Mew felt like they were so far because Gulf kept a good distance between them.

“It’s been awhile.” Gulf said, his voice was small. Mew didn’t really understand this, Gulf should be mad at him, even the moment when they ended things, Gulf should've punched him, kicked him, screamed at him and threw hurtful words but he didn’t – and that’s spoke volume about Gulf's personality, He's just too pure and kind.

Mew looked at him, dull eyes filled with guilt and regrets. He thought that fate was that some street magician who had a lot of tricks hidden beneath his sleeves and he just loved to play with a Mew.

Now, Mew had to hold the pieces together for meeting Gulf again.

“Yeah, It’s almost been a year. How are you, Gulf?”

Gulf looked at him, finally. His eyes were still beautiful - that innocent bambi eyes that he always loved - but he couldn’t read them like before, he couldn’t figure out what’s behind those eyes. “I’m fine, How about you, Mew?” He asked, voice was still small and quite, just enough for Mew to hear clearly.

“That’s great to hear. I'm doing fine too “ 

“I heard your new song. Season of love, isn't it? It was great.” Gulf muttered and _goddamit_ , After all this time he was still there, supporting Mew and letting him know that he fucking did great. How could he be this nice when all Mew did was hurt him?

Mew was a moron and stupid to let him go. He feels a stung on his heart.

“You heard the full song?” Mew asked. That’s all he could come up with.

Gulf nodded his head, “Yeah. You’re really great.” 

Mew wanted to crawl in the corner and just cry because even after all the pain he had caused Gulf, he was still praising him like before.

Mew didn’t say anything and it was the longest two minutes of silence he had ever experienced and he’s not sure if he should break it, to invade Gulf's silence but then Gulf was the first one who spoke first. “We were the happiest, weren’t we?” 

Mew didn’t expect that, he never expected Gulf to bring that up. And the worst thing was that, he didn't know exactly know what to say because Gulf's words hurt more than anything. 

He listened to the deafening silence of the atmosphere after that.

It took him awhile to come up to his senses and speaks, “We were.”

 _We were._ Yes, they were once so happy with each other, when they were in college and when they were starting to build their dreams together. Mew remembered the first time he told Gulf that he was in love with him at the rooftop, with his _the moon is beautiful, isn’t it?_ line that Gulf really used to love.

One thing Gulf didn’t know was that Mew was terrified when they started because what if he couldn't give Gulf the world he deserved? What if they'd break apart even more spectacularly without a way back to each other, even as friend? He told himself that it was enough to have Gulf as a friend if it was the only part of Gulf he could ever had, it had to be enough. But things happened, Mew loved Gulf too much and he would make the biggest mistake of his life if he wouldn't make Gulf his and that’s what he did, He took the risk, and won Gulf's heart.

It was one of the happiest time of his life, when he made Gulf as his.

But he ruined it, he ruined the dreams they had planned, he hurt the person he swore he wouldn’t hurt.

Mew was too drowned with his own thoughts when suddenly Gulf spoke again, “You were so in love with me.”

Mew stared at Gulf for so long, because Gulf's words were bullets to his heart. He could hear the hurt lingering his voice, the tone was familiar, he heard it before. The sadness, the agony and the melancholy in there.

Even after all this time, he was still hurting him.

Mew realized that he really didn't deserve someone like Gulf, who's too pure and kind. He deserved someone who would love him in a ways that Mew couldn’t.

And maybe Mew didn't deserve to be happy too.

He wanted to say something but he’s afraid what would be Gulf's answers may be.

“Sometimes we just meet people but that doesn’t mean they're going to be with us for a long time.” Gulf says, smiling a bit, “Maybe fate doesn’t want us to be together, or maybe we really just not meant to be.” 

Mew was such a coward for not saying anything. He wanted to give Gulf a hug and just protect him from pain but he’s a coward – even if he wanted to fix things now, he was extremely scared too.

He's scared that if Gulf gave him another chance, He’s just going to fuck up again and hurt him. Mew didn't want that to happen.

It took a while for him to make an response, and when Mew had enough courage, he finally opened his mouth to speak. “I’m sorry for everything. I'm sorry for hurting you and for the pain I had caused you.” _And if I just have the power to shoulder all the pain you felt that time, I would._

Gulf smiled, “I forgave you long time ago, Mew.” 

Mew shook his head, He didn’t understand why Gulf forgave him that easy. He should be mad at him. He should hate Mew. “But I hurt you big time.” 

Gulf sighed this time, the side of his mouth lifted into a tiny smile, “I learned to accept things, Mew. I learned that we can’t always have what we want. You know, acceptance is the best thing that I've learned because now I know that some things aren’t always going the way we want them to be.” 

Mew closed his eyes, even though Gulf could see him, He did it to hold the tears that were about to fall from his eyes. Gulf was just too good for Mew.

He opened his eyes, looking directly at Gulf, “I haven’t forgiven myself for hurting you.”

“You should. You should forgive yourself first before you forgive others, Mew.” Gulf muttered, he’s just too good with words, he always knew the right words to say.

“I'll try.” Mew said.

Gulf nodded his head, then he finally pulled himself up from the sofa, taking a deep breathe as he looked down at Mew. “I have to go. I got my stuff.” He said, “I really wish you the best, Mew. I hope one day when you wake up, You'll be able to forgive yourself and keep being happy.” He finished as he gave Mew one last smile and grabbed the box from the floor and held it using his arms, then made his way out of the house without looking back at Mew.

As soon as Gulf left, Mew finally let his tears fell. He wanted to go after him, but he was scared of all the possible things that he might hurt him again.

For the last time, He didn't want to be selfish again, He didn't want to chase him because Gulf deserved someone who wouldn't hurt him like what Mew did. 

And even though Mew wanted to bring back what they lost, at the back of his mind, sometimes there were broken strings that they must not play anymore, there were games that must not burn them twice.

* * *

_(54)_

When Mew finally saw Gulf after a long time. He knew that Gulf still had his heart even if everyday, those broken parts kept breaking.

But it didn't hurt the same, it hurts even more.

* * *

_(55)_

Mew misses Gulf's smile. It never failed to made Mew breathless, whether he saw it from afar or right in front of him. Gulf's smile always lighted his darker days, it would always make his worst day better. 

There would always be something in Gulf's smile, when he would always flash his full white teeth whenever Mew was with him. 

Gulf's smile always came the best when he’s with Mew and he was longing for it.

* * *

_(56)_

What Mew missed the most was _Gulf_. All of him, when he laughed, his most favorite laughter was the laughter they shared between the two of them only. He loved the way Gulf sounds, the diversity and familiarity in them.

He misses Gulf so much, the Gulf who could sprout poetry, and the one who wore Mew's clothes and felt at home in them.

The one who would always blush and hide his face into Mew's chest or in the crook of his neck. The one who would always rest his head into his chest when they were sleeping, the one who would always say _I love you_ to Mew.

The other day was painful, seeing Gulf left like that. And now he found himself staring at their picture on his phone. It’s nostalgic, the picture brings so much memories, it was an image of them sitting on the couch with Gulf on Mew's lap. 

Now, Mew felt what Gulf had been feeling when he was hurting and longing.

* * *

_(57)_

Mew was on the tent alone, He wanted some alone time for himself after shooting his up coming series. They were still halfway through it, and when the sun rise tomorrow, they’d start shooting again.

He's scrolling down on his Instagram feed when there was a notification popped. It was a post from Gun, he clicked it, eyes settled on the picture of Gun, Off, Mild, Boat and Gulf. They were having fun at the beach, Off and Gun actually invited him but he had to shoot some important scenes for the series.

Gulf was smiling in the picture, he looked happy. 

Somehow, He felt _jealous_. Mew was jealous to the people who were seeing Gulf everyday. Those people who could reach him without any struggle, to those people who could see his smile and hear his laugh.

He was so jealous that they could spend some time with Gulf, he’s jealous to those people who could see how Gulf stares, how he would say things and how he looked so happy when he’s writing.

Mew was so jealous because Gulf still mattered, He’s jealous that he couldn’t see and reach him most often. 

But Mew deserved the _pain_. This was just nothing compared to what Gulf had felt when he was left alone at their once shared home with nothing but a pillow to hold onto when he felt like giving their relationship up. This was just nothing compared to what Gulf endured when Mew was busy with his own life while Gulf can’t find the motivation to write anymore, when he felt that Mew didn’t love him anymore. All those times when Gulf cried a lot to his friends because of him, and Mew wasn’t there with him because he was busy achieving his dreams when in reality he had achieved so much.

Everything that he had been feeling, of pain and jealousy. Gulf had felt them before, he’s so mad at himself realizing that when they were apart and Gulf needed someone who can hold him when things were getting harder, Mew didn’t do anything to make him feel better and safe.

And now, seeing him smile like that, that kind of smile he haven’t seen for so long, it was genuine and seeing him happy was more than enough for Mew.

Gulf deserved that happiness.

* * *

_(58)_

Mew went home after shooting, his home, with his family. His parents, sister and his dog, chopper, were there. 

He had a talk with his mother for two longs hours and went straight to his bed afterwards.

He pulled himself down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. One thing he realized about _sadness_ was that, it didn't just go away in just one night, in one relaxing day, in just one cup of coffee, it didn't vanish along with his tears no matter how much he cried. It didn't end along with his favorite music and movie, the emotions weren't just a one night process, it’s like weather that you could feel, sometimes heavy but sometime light.

And Mew was feeling the tightness and heaviness inside his heart.

* * *

_(59)_

Mew missed Gulf but the problem was just he would never tell him that. He missed Gulf but instead of telling him or drive his way to Gulf's place, he would just lay on his bed, closed his eyes and remember Gulf's voice telling him to sleep. It was still a wonder to him how Gulf could order and boss him around and Mew wouldn't even complain.

But then Gulf made him a better person, he remembered.

* * *

_(60)_

The time when Mew had enough courage to tell Gulf that he still loved him, that he wanted him back, it’s also the time he felt so coward than ever.

He went to his place, and even before his fist collided with the door, he heard Gulf's laughter from the inside, he couldn’t stop laughing and when he heard Mild and Boat's voice – That’s the time his hand plopped on his sides.

Gulf was happy, he shouldn’t be here. He’s happy without him. 

Mew went back to his condo, drowning himself to alcohol because alcohol could make him forget and ease the pain temporarily.

* * *

_(61)_

Mew tried to move on, to be happy, but the memories still haunted him to this day. 

It had been a month since he went at Gulf’s place.

If only Mew had the power to delete every memory he had with Gulf, he’d do it for the sake of his sanity. But how could he? When Gulf’s like a tattoo inked all over his body. And all he felt was pain every time he tried to remove them.

But you know what’s worse than missing an old memory? It’s the fact that Mew couldn't go back to the moment, when Gulf was still happy with him. 

Or when he was still making Gulf happy.

* * *

_(62)_

The first airing of Mew's series was a success.

And he felt like he had everything now, the money, the luxury life, the fame, and fans but he still felt incomplete. That something was missing.

“I thought you'd be happy.” Off said, “But I was wrong. You’re not happy at all.”

Mew smiled, “I'm happy. Want to celebrate? Tell people I’m throwing a party.”. 

Off heaved a sigh, “Want to talk about it, Mew?” 

“What’s there to talk about?”

Off looked at him pitifully, This was what he disliked the most, people throwing him sympathetic looks. “Sometimes it’s okay to be vocal when you’re hurting.” Off started, “Because when you put all the pain inside your heart and head, they could destroy you more. I'm here, Tul's always there for you too. You can talk to us. I know there are times that you want to feel alone but you don’t have to push us away because you think your pain is a burden to us. We love you, you should know that.”

Mew took a deep breathe, “I know.” 

“If you want to talk about it. I'm just a one call away. Tul too, even Gun.” 

Mew slightly smiled, just appreciating how thoughtful his friends were. There was a silence between the two of them until Mew broke the silence again. 

“I love Gulf. I still love him and I can't do anything about it.” 

Off grinned at him, “I know,” He said, “But telling me that you can't do anything about it is nothing but a lie, You can always do anything about it. You love him, then fight for it, fight for what's right. Maybe Gulf’s just waiting for you to finally fight for the love you still has for him and maybe Gulf still loves you too.” 

“What if he doesn’t love me anymore?” Mew said, “And _maybe_ is so uncertain, Off. We’re not always sure about maybes.”

“But do you think that Gulf is worth taking the risk?” 

Mew didn’t think twice because Gulf was actually more than that, “He’s more than worth it.” 

“Then go for it.” Off muttered, “Take the risk or else you’re going to lose your chance. What are you so scared of?” 

Mew darted his attention to the glass he was holding as if it was the most interesting thing he had seen, “I’m scared of hurting him again and although I regret what I did, I'm still scared. I'm so scared that if he gives me another chance, I'm going to just fuck everything up again like I always do. I don’t want that to happen because now the last I thing I want for him is to get hurt by me over and over again.”

“Your fears can stop you by getting him back, Mew. I know you’re scared but if Gulf is worth the risk then at least give it a try. If I were you, I would risk it all.” Off exclaimed, “But then again, It’s just me and I am not you. It’s still up to you.”

"You think so?"

Off nodded his head, "Yeah, and at least you acknowledged your mistakes."

* * *

_(63)_

The talk with Off yesterday knocked him out of his senses so Mew made a call to Boat – and his friend's first words to him were, “Hey what’s up Mew Suppasit, I'm glad you still remember my name and phone number, You haven’t talked to me in a year, Did you just wake up from your hermit?” 

Mew felt really terrible because Boat had been nothing but a great friend to him ever since, He just really thought that he was also mad at him for what he did to Gulf. 

“I’m sorry man.” Mew said over the phone. 

“Ha, I want to punch you in the face, honestly.” Boat exclaimed truthfully, “You know I can but I won’t.” 

“You can, you know. I was a terrible friend.” 

Boat sighed, “You could’ve called. You made it looked like you didn’t care about the friendship, Mew. Even though I am Gulf's friend, I am your friend too, you know. You didn’t have to abandon us like that. I was mad at first but I never hear your side of the story so to me it would be unfair to judge you.”

Mew smiled, It made him feel so good to hear those words from Boat. “I’m sorry, I'll make sure to catch up with you. But Boat, I called _because-“_

Mew didn’t finish his sentence because Boat already cut him off. “You called me not because you wanted to know how was I, but you called because of Gulf, right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“This is bad timing, Mew.” 

Mew arched a brow, confused, “What do you mean?” 

“Gulf is leaving for Australia.” 

Mew almost drop the phone on the floor as he tried to sink those words in, Gulf was leaving. _He’s leaving._ “What? Where is he? What time is his flight? Boat, I need to know.” Mew said as he held his phone between his ear and shoulder, pulling on a white shirt and a coat.

“I think he’s still in his condo but he'll leave in two hours.” Boat said, “If you’re going to get back with him and he gives you a chance, You have to promise me not to hurt my friend again, Mew. Or I'm going to kill you.

Mew nodded his head although Boat couldn’t see him, “I won't do the same mistakes again.” 

“Mild doesn’t want you to get back with him. He’s still kind of mad at you.” 

“Yeah, I know.”

“Let’s catch up soon now I think you have to go before Gulf leaves.” 

Mew said thank you before grabbing his car keys from the bed side table and went outside. He still had an hour to get to Gulf's condo and tell him what he wanted to say. 

_Damn_ , fate was really playing some tricks on him. Now that he had the courage to get him back, Gulf was going to another continent. _Fuck_ , He needed to get to Gulf’s place before it’s too late.

It took him exactly forty minutes to reached his destination, Mew quickly pulled over in front of the building, made his way out of the car, not caring if there’s any dispatch or whoever that wanted to invade his privacy, fuck all of them. Gulf was more important. He didn’t even bother to go at the receptionist, He went straight to Gulf’s unit.

His fist collided on the door and thanked God above that someone opened it quickly, the first person Mew’s eyes had seen was Gulf and his lips were parted in confusion, looking at Mew in wide eyes as if he’d seen a ghost.

“Mew?” Gulf breathed, looking around as if he’s afraid that someone might see Mew. “You can’t just go here whenever you want. Anyone can see you, everyone knows you now. It’s not like before.”

At this moment, Mew didn’t care about them, he didn't give a fuck anymore, Gulf was still here, but he’s already dressed and it seemed like he was ready to go. “Is it true? You’re going to Australia?” 

It took Gulf awhile to answer, he nodded his head, “Who told you?” He asked, perplexed.

Mew swallowed the lump on his throat, “Boat.” 

Gulf slowly nodded his head, “Ah,” He said, “Yeah, I'm about to go and meet my parents at the airport.” 

Mew nodded his head in understanding. He stares at Gulf again, there’s no place to be a coward at this juncture. He needed to take a risk, It’s all or nothing, “Gulf,” He breathed out, “I love you.”

Mew had seen how those words took Gulf aback. Gulf didn’t respond quickly, He looks at Mew like he was the dumbest person ever, yet, his face still looked a bit perplexed. “Why are you saying this now?”

 _Fuck_ , Gulf sounded so sad. He hated himself, Maybe if he had told him sooner, if he fixed them sooner, there was still a chance but by the sound of Gulf's voice, it’s the otherwise.

Mew bit his lower lip, to keep it from trembling, because he’s going to cry if he didn’t. He didn’t know if he could take the heartbreak. “I was an idiot. I was the dumbest person.” Mew started, He looked at Gulf's eyes, “I thought having my freedom would give me happiness. I thought ending things between us would stop the pain you were feeling. I thought I would be happy but I wasn’t.” 

“You were really an idiot, Mew.” 

Mew nodded his head, accepting that statement from Gulf. “I’m sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I really am so sorry.” He didn't think he’ll be able to stop himself from apologizing for what he did, for what he had caused, but all of them were sincere, he’s serious and he’s going to do everything to get him back. He knew it won’t be easy but he’s willing to do anything to show Gulf that he wanted him back in his life and he’s regretting the terrible things he did.

Gulf didn’t say anything for a while minute, as if he’s trying to understand Mew, he’s trying to get those words to sink into his head.

The worst thing was that when Mew noticed s a tear fell down Gulf's cheek, and Mew wanted to wipe it away, hug him and protect him, and make him feel better but he was frozen to his spot too.

“I never thought that you’d be here in front of me right now, you know, reaching for me because I was used to myself reaching for you.” Gulf said, wiping the tear that fell down. And Mew understood him, accepted the words although it hurts, “I would be lying if I tell you right now that I have moved on because in reality I haven’t.” 

Mew wanted to cry in happiness because Gulf still loved him but he just couldn't , he didn’t exactly know why. 

Or maybe because Gulf was still looking so sad.

“When you finally ended things with me that day, I was so hurt and I want to knock at your door and beg you to love me again but I realized that I shouldn’t beg for love, I don’t deserve that kind of love.” Gulf exclaimed, “You know what they say, right? We accept the love that we think we deserve.” 

“I’m sorry.” The only words Mew could say. “I’m sorry that you felt that way.” He finished s, rubbing a hand down on his face, looking so distressed.

Gulf shook his head, “You don’t have to feel so sorry for me.” He said, “I still love you, Mew. It’s too difficult to forget you.” 

And Mew was speechless, Gulf said he still loved s him despite of everything he had done, despite of all the failure and damages he did to their relationship, and he hated himself for this, because it showed how terrible of a person he was to Gulf.

“You still love me?” Mew asked ks, just making sure he heard him right. 

“I do,” Gulf said ys, “And you said you still love me, Mew.” 

“I do, Gulf. I love you.” 

Gulf smiled, he reached a hand and caressed es Mew's cheek, “But I think our love is still not strong enough. We’re in too much love but we’re also in pain and we have to heal ourselves but not with each other’s hands.”

Mew felt like his heart just broke into pieces because he thought Gulf would be willing to give them a chance but then he realized that it wasn't easy at all, giving someone another chance to take care of your heart again was not easy – especially when that someone hurts you the most.

This time, Mew didn’t hold his tears back, He let them fall. 

“We still have to know the true meaning of love. We can’t give each other a paradise if we are the disaster itself.” 

Mew nodded his head, wiping his tears away, but he still looked at Gulf, “I understand.” 

Gulf put his hand back away from Mew's face. He spoke again, “I’m leaving for another country. There’s this big and established company that offers me a good job. I could write my books and work as a journalist at the same time.” 

Mew couldn’t just think about the word leaving, This was Gulf leaving. And he didn’t know how long will it take for him to comeback. But Mew didn't have the right to stop him, because this was another chance for Gulf to achieve big and follow his passion even if it meant ans leaving.

“My contract ends in three years.” Gulf said ys, “I’m not exactly sure what’s waiting for me there but all I know is that I won’t let the opportunity slips away from my own hands.”

Mew nodded, “Yeah, It’s your dream. I don’t have the right to hold you back from your passions and dreams.” 

Gulf smiled, It’s the first time this day that he smiled, It looked good on him. And it was genuine. “I just want to tell you that love isn’t selfish, Mew. Love forgives, love gives and takes time.”

Mew nodded his head, It'd be too painful to be away from Gulf but he had to endure it, it’s nothing compared to the pain he caused him. And for Gulf’s dreams, Mew could wait. 

And maybe it’s okay for Gulf to leave, so they both can heal in their own ways, just like what Gulf had said.

“I am truly happy for you, Gulf. I love you but you’re right, this love isn’t strong enough now. I want you to give yourself a time, heal in your own way. I'm not going to hold you back and I want to say sorry in advance because I want to wait for you.”

Gulf smiled again, “If fates wants us to be together forever, it'll make a way. If we are really meant to be together, it’ll make a way.”

Mew beamed, he couldn’t help but to caressed Gulf's using his both hand, “Will you let me wait for you?”

“I will let you if you can.” Gulf said, giving him that smile back, the smile so pure and only for Mew. “Love takes time, Love gives time.” 

Mew nodded adamantly, “ I can.” 

The next thing Gulf did was to plant a kiss on Mew's cheeks, “Let’s see each other again in three years Mew and I hope in that time, There’s still a second chance for us.” 

“I hope in that time, Our love is strong enough to hold onto things simultaneously.” 

“Even if our love can’t hold onto things simultaneously in that time. We can still find ways to hold onto each other forever, right?” Gulf asked, like he really hoped pes so. 

And Mew promised s to himself although he sucked at keeping them – He promised ises that he wouldn't hurt him again and he would wait. He could wait. 

“Yeah, I will never let you go again. Let's meet each other again in three years?” 

Gulf nodded – and that’s the only thing that mattered, that Gulf still wanted to give them a chance even if it would take three years.

Love wasn't something that could be rushed.

Just like what Gulf said – Love takes time and love gives time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> scream at me on twitter!! @tabismew

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you all love it! 💛 
> 
> Comments & Kudos are always appreciated & motivates me to keep writing for more. 
> 
> If you have twitter, let's be mutuals there! (@tabismew is my un) 
> 
> I hope y'all are safe & healthy! 💛💛✨


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